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A Guide to Doing Nothing for People Who Are Really Bad at It

Repeat after us: Can stop, will stop.
A Guide to Doing Nothing for People Who Are Really Bad at It
Jordan Moss

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This article is part of SELF’s Rest Week, an editorial package dedicated to doing less. If the last few years have taught us anything, it’s that taking care of yourself, physically and emotionally, is impossible without genuine downtime. With that in mind, we’ll be publishing articles up until the new year to help you make a habit of taking breaks, chilling out, and slowing down. (And we’re taking our own advice: The SELF staff will be OOO during this time!) We hope to inspire you to take it easy and get some rest, whatever that looks like for you.


Angela Neal-Barnett, PhD, finds solace under her hair dryer. That’s when, for just a few moments, she can truly relax. The psychologist and director of the Program for Research on Anxiety Disorders Among African Americans at Kent State University is legally deaf. She uses cochlear implants and hearing aids throughout the day, but when she dries her hair, there’s no noise. “I feel calmer and do my best thinking then. It’s forced relaxation,” Dr. Neal-Barnett tells SELF.

“Forced relaxation” sounds like an oxymoron. But in today’s overstimulating and relentless world, sometimes it takes a little push to actually unwind. And if you’re feeling like it’s hard to chill out, that’s perfectly common, Bonnie Zucker, PsyD, author of A Perfectionist’s Guide to Not Being Perfect, tells SELF. Even if relaxing can feel hard as hell, learning to do it is incredibly important. Biologically speaking, “we aren’t designed to go, go, go,” Dr. Zucker says. “Our nature is not to have a nonstop 12-hour workday and a six-hour sleep cycle. That’s really going against what our biological needs call for, which is adequate downtime.” 

Without relaxation, neither our bodies nor our brains can function optimally, Dr. Zucker explains. Take the amygdala, an almond-shaped region considered to be the emotional center of the brain. It’s activated when we’re under stress, but it’s not meant to be triggered 24/7—in fact, amygdala inactivity has been linked with lower levels of anxiety and depression. The vagus nerve, an integral part of the body’s parasympathetic “rest and digest” system (the counter to our fight-or-flight response) also needs periods of inactivity to do its thing, Dr. Zucker says, adding, “This will only happen when we have downtime.” Being present is “the antidote to feeling anxious,” she says. “When we’re anxious, we’re thinking about things that could go wrong in the future. Simply being, helps us relax in the moment and focus on what’s right in front of us.”

Getting to a place where you’re okay just being and chilling out is “a gift,” Dr. Zucker says. That’s not just because of the roughly gazillion benefits that come with letting go a little: Relaxing, she says, is a core part of human nature. If you feel like you’ve lost (or have never had) the ability to do nothing “productive” and feel good about it, let this be your guide.

How to get better at chilling out

“There’s no one-size-fits-all advice for learning how to relax,” Dr. Zucker says. But there are some fruitful places to start—including these five expert-approved ways to get more comfortable with doing a whole lot of nothing.

1. Get to the bottom of your relaxation guilt. 

Licensed clinical psychologist Adia Gooden, PhD, tells SELF that we’re just “used to being busy,” which can make rest feel foreign and downright uncomfortable. “We live in a society that values productivity and output,” Dr. Gooden says. “Often, people connect their sense of worthiness to being productive.”

This achievement-oriented mindset tends to frame “doing nothing” as wasting time, Dr. Zucker says. And social media can also lead to FOMO, fueling folks to keep “doing” in order to “catch up” to others, Dr. Neal-Barnett says. It’s common to feel guilty about downtime. “In women, especially, there tends to be this sense that you should always be doing for someone else,” Dr. Gooden says. Taking time to rest might feel like you’re taking something away from others—like your children, your partner, or your community—and this can be true no matter your identity.

If this sounds familiar, try what Dr. Neal-Barnett calls the “so-what exercise” to challenge guilt-inducing thoughts. Say you’re beating yourself up for not working overtime. Ask yourself, So what if I’m not working around the clock? Then try to answer honestly: Maybe you feel like others will see you as unproductive. So what if people saw you as unproductive? Maybe your identity is very tied to your job title. This exercise digs up what Dr. Neal-Barnett calls a “core fear.” In this case, the fear might be, Who am I without work? (Other exemplary fears tied to relaxation guilt: I’m a bad parent, or Something bad will happen if I let go of control.)

Once you land on the core fear behind your guilt, you can take steps to deal with it, Dr. Neal-Barnett says—maybe by challenging your inner monologue with a therapist, through self-reflection practices like journaling, or by experimenting with downtime activities. Addressing your guilt can ultimately make relaxation more restorative and less triggering, Dr. Neal-Barnett says.

2. Make space for the tough stuff.

Anxietygriefstress, and work burnout can bubble up when you try to relax, Dr. Gooden notes: “We sometimes use busyness as a way to avoid things that we really need to address or deal with.” Simply continuing to “do” may feel easier than stopping and actually dealing with whatever emotions may emerge when you do.

When you don’t relax, you miss out on the full breadth of emotional experience, Dr. Neal Barnett says. For many people, joy tends to be adulterated because of multitasking—think Slacking with your boss when you’re on an afternoon walk, or any number of other time-crunched ways our leisure gets interrupted. The same thing can happen with emotions like grief and anger: They can get pushed to the side when you don’t make space to sit with them.

Allowing tough feelings, distressing thoughts, or unpleasantness to simply exist is an important part of not only processing those emotions, but also of relaxation, Dr. Zucker says. If you’re constantly distracting yourself from whatever’s bothering you, not only will you not work through the issue, but you won’t be in the moment when it comes time to relax, she says. Try to become aware of difficult emotions you’re feeling in the moment, Dr. Zucker says. If you’re alone on the couch and notice negative emotions pop up, jot them down or even mentally note them, she suggests. That might sound something like, I’m really anxious about sitting still right now. I’m sad and lonely, and I don’t want to think about it.

This exercise won’t automatically solve whatever’s wrong (and it’s easier said than done for a lot of us!) but it can prevent you from grabbing your phone to avoid feeling your feelings, Dr. Zucker says. Similar to the guilt advice above, once you’ve identified what you’re struggling with, you may be able to address it—whether with a mental health professional or on your own—so it doesn’t continue to obstruct your downtime. 

3. Reframe how you view “me time.”

“When we come from a space of being, we’re often better able to be the people we want to be than when we come from a place of ‘doing’ because we’re not in this anxious, I’ve got to prove that I’m worthy place,” Dr. Gooden says. “We show up better for others and for ourselves when we’re rested, nourished, and when we’ve had time to play versus when we’re overworked or exhausted. Investing in yourself helps you show up in the world the way you want to.” 

If you have a hard time chilling out because you think you’re letting others or yourself down, consider how you want to show up for the people in your life (including yourself). You may want to bring a level-headed presence to parenting, be a less reactive partner, or feel less stressed at your job. Then, think about what helps you chill out (maybe it’s a midday park walk, a fake nap, or sitting on the couch by yourself for an hour with a crossword puzzle) and do your best to prioritize it, asking for help if you need it. Realizing that downtime allows you to be your best self can help you reframe it as essential rather than selfish, unproductive, or [insert negative adjective here]. 

4. Consider adding some structure to your relaxation.

Have a hard time sitting totally still with a blank agenda? Some studies have found that short bouts of mindfulness meditation—30 minutes or so—can increase creativity, suggesting that the brain does its best thinking when it’s calm, and, generally, mindfulness exercises might make it easier to unwind. Even a 5- or 10-minute meditation session or a few yoga poses can help you get into a more relaxed state. Since these practices have some structure to them, they can gradually ease you into just being, according to Dr. Zucker (she likes the app Insight Timer for short, calming mindfulness sessions). 

“A yoga pose or guided mini-meditation can help you feel like you’re doing something while also quieting the mind,” she says. Just remember: “Try not to judge whether or not you’re ‘good’ at these practices,” Dr. Zucker says. If critical thoughts creep up, try repeating a mantra like, I’m working on simply being in my space, or, This is the best I can do right now, and it’s good enough.

5. Do something, if you want! Just make it something you (keyword!) truly enjoy.

Rest doesn’t necessarily mean literally doing nothing, but it does mean getting satisfaction out of whatever you do (or don’t do). Sounds simple, but the next time you have free time on your hands, Dr. Gooden recommends thinking about what you want to do—not what you think would get you likes on social media or what your judgmental thoughts are telling you that you “should” do. Maybe it’s eating your favorite dessert, spending 15 minutes with your child, or reading a romance novel. Whatever you choose, do it mindfully and savor the moment: Smell the food. Give your kid your full attention. Feel the weight of the book in your hand. Put your phone out of reach.

Orienting free time toward what feels good, instead of what you want others to see or what you think you should be doing, helps you ditch perfectionism and other pressures that ultimately cloud relaxation, Dr. Gooden explains.“You enjoy things so much more when you’re out of your head and fully present,” she says. “The enjoyment you feel afterward will help reinforce the behavior.” The more you truly let loose, the easier it’ll become—yes, even for you.

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